For example, you might say, “You’re right. I know I told you I wasn’t going to smoke anymore, but I gave in to temptation and had a couple cigarettes last night when I was out with my friends. I was afraid of what you’d think, so I lied about it when you asked me. ” Ideally, you should own up to your lie before your partner finds out about it. Waiting for them to uncover the lie and confront you can ultimately make it harder for you to repair the damage. Always acknowledge your partner’s feelings.
A true apology should start with “I’m sorry I” rather than “I’m sorry you” or “I’m sorry but. ”[2] X Research source Try saying something like, “I’m sorry I lied to you about getting into that fender bender. I was afraid you’d be mad, but I should have just been truthful. ” Your apology should not minimize the seriousness of the lie or place any blame on your partner for the situation or their feelings (e. g. , “I’m sorry you’re so upset. It was just a little white lie. ”).
Don’t interrupt your partner while they are speaking. Even if what they have to say upsets you, wait for them to finish before you respond. Show that you are listening by using verbal and visual cues (such as making eye contact, nodding, and saying things like “Right,” or “I understand. ”).
If your partner feels hurt and betrayed by the lie, they may ask a lot of questions to try to help themselves come to terms with what happened. Be patient and do your best to answer, even if their questions seem repetitive or irrelevant to you.
For example, if you lied to your partner about going to the bar every night after work, check in to tell them where you are after you get off work. If you do something you know your partner won’t like, don’t cover it up—just let them know right away. They may be upset with you, but they will also feel reassured that you are making an effort to be honest.
For example, if you tell your partner you are going to be home by a particular time every night, make sure to be there. If something comes up that prevents you from being home by that time, call them as soon as you can and tell them honestly what happened.
For example, if you’ve lied about your spending habits, your partner might say, “I’d feel better if we could sit down and look at our finances together once a week. ” When it’s time to do that, take the initiative and say, “Hey, it’s Friday. Should we pull up the bank account?”
Being vulnerable does not mean being weak. In fact, it requires a great deal of bravery to open up to another person and really be yourself, especially if you’re afraid of judgment or criticism. [8] X Research source If you’ve lied in part because of your insecurities about your relationship with your partner, be open about that, too. For example, you might say, “When I slip up and have a cigarette, I’m always scared to tell you because I know you’re going to yell at me and judge me for giving in. ”
Don’t push your partner to “get over it” or move on before they are ready. A betrayal of trust can be deeply hurtful, and it’s important for you to acknowledge and respect the seriousness of the pain they are feeling. Even now, some of your actions may remind them of the time that you lied.
A good counselor can help you work together to develop strategies for rebuilding your trust in one another. They can also help you determine the underlying causes of lying and mistrust in your relationship, and work with you on ways to resolve those issues. [11] X Research source You may need to work with more than one counselor before you find one who’s a good fit for you and your partner. Look for someone who works well with your personalities, whose values mesh with your own, and who is focused on finding ways to help you overcome the problems in your relationship as a team. [12] X Research source
Support groups can be either peer-led or run by a professional host or mediator (such as a psychologist or licensed clinical social worker).
You may lie because you are embarrassed to tell the truth, because it helps you feel more secure and in control, because you think the lies make you look better to others, or even because you feel the lie will help another person or prevent them from being hurt. [13] X Research source Whatever the reason, a good therapist can help you find healthier and more honest ways of dealing with those issues.
